Shopping
by Borath
Summary: Bakura, in a very weird mood, goes to WallMart. Oh dear... YYYB, mentioned YR. Part of the 'Experiment'series, though stands alone fine. Surreal, stupid and a merry timewaster.


Goes after Chapter 11 of 'Experiment' but it's too random and stupid to go with it officially.  Consider this a happy off-shoot.  Hope you enjoy it! 

Shopping

I'm a little pissed at Yami at the moment.  Well, more pissed at the Hikari's really but still pissed at Yami for going along with it and, more importantly, for making *me* go along with it too.

The four of us have pretty much moved in together at mine and Ryou's house.  None of Yugi's stuff is there and Yami carries what he owns pretty much on him so they're not technically living here.  We all just spend every waking hour here, and then some sleeping hours but with Yami in the house I admittedly don't do a lot of that.  

Anyway, the point of my ramblings.  Christ, I destroyed Zel a whole month ago.  You'd think that'd be long enough for me to get my head straight.  Or maybe I was always like this.  I'm not sure.  Anyway.  Point.  Right.  Spirits spending so much/all time out of the Items means that we need energy from food.  Or we could just drain our Hikari's dry but then that would leave bodies and I got out of the grunt work years ago.  

So, we eat food.  The Hikari's eat food.  The Hikari's get pissed that they do all the shopping when the food runs out.  They're having a 'loving-day-in' or some shit so they send us out.  Yami thinks it's fair so I want to break his pretty little head.

Or I just could just act like a bratty five year old and make this as difficult for him as possible.  He's been really grumpy lately and it's pissing me off.  Evil bastard dragging me to Wal-Mart-*Wal-Mart* of all places!  Ra, stupid Light twerps could at least shop at a classier place.  Still, could have some fun today so it should all be all right in the end.

We're not idiots, unlike some Laxative-related mortals I won't name and shame just yet.  Save that for public humiliation or when I learn how to use the Internet; worldwide humiliation.  Yes…  Note to self; destroy mortal's lives through taking over Microsoft.   Anyway, back to today.  It's not like we're both incompetent and that's why I'm so snarked off; we know what food to get so we're not going to screw that up, I'm just lazy.  Well, Yami's not going to screw up what food to get because I'm refuse to help on this stupid venture at all.  

I am not being childish.  I'm just feeling a little bitchy today is all.  

Right, so we're inside what looks like Hell with fluorescent lighting now and I am, admittedly, getting really excited.  Having never tread a foot in this place before, or any 'Supermarket' for that matter, I had no idea what was inside them.  The only reason I know they contain food is because that's what Ryou brings back from them.  But now that I'm actually inside one I'm quite surprised.  The *potential* this place has for evil deeds is really quite astounding.  I take it all back.  This place is cool.  

/Bakura, promise me you won't make this Hell.  I know you don't want to be here/ Yami sends through the bond, turning slightly narrowed eyes on me.  He already sounds tired.

/I promise.  I won't make this Hell/ I send back to him sweetly.  He stares at me dubiously before picking up his pace and walking off.  I grin at his back.  

I did promise not to make this little experience Hell; but he didn't say anything about making it similar to Hell.  Heh.  I am so fiendishly evil.  I need a white cat or summut to stroke when I come up with my evil plans. Wait, am in relationship now so all evil plans are on hold for the time being.  Hmm.  Never thought of this before.  Sex or world domination...  Sex, world domination...  Fuck it.  I'll just get to licking the fruit.

Oh!  Shopping carts!  Even better!  I'm sat in the blue plastic seat within two seconds of spotting it.  No.  Wait.  To be precise; I'm *stuck* in the blue plastic seat within two seconds of spotting it.  The metal bars are around my thighs and *fuck* this is stupid.  Yami's laughing at me.  And walking away from me.  I wanted to cause a scene damnit and he's not even watching!  I am now going to cross my arms and pout.

Concentrating on the metal trapping me -fucking stuff- I wield the almighty power of the Millennium Ring and start warping it.  Not like 'Warp 4 Scotty!' but bendy-warping it.  Like taffy or similar.  Shit my head is weird today.  I swear Ryou slips me something sometimes when he wants to do something without my noticing due to insanity.  Hmm.  In this case it is not good when the student becomes the master, and Ryou will never be better than me at anything so *neh*.  

Right, I have globules of cooling metal on my trousers now but I'm free.  Let's see.  I wonder what the skins of limes taste like in comparison to lemons.  Hmm.  Pretty much the same.  Oh!  Security camera!  I face it and start licking an orange.  People are giving me funny looks, just as I planned.

You see, being an evil genius, I know that I must prepare the people that I am going to hurt/maim/destroy/conquer, and the best way to do this is to bombard their mind with stimuli to the extent that it turns into a mushy mess that is then all ready for accepting orders without question.  Yami is not aware of my plans, by the way, and he's going to stay that way until I can surprise him with a country; Australia or similar.  Licking citrus fruits is only the first step in my *evil* and *terrifying* plan for complete supremacy over these mortals!

Right, bored of this now.  

Cereal!  No, not the most boring substance on Earth -although Weetabix *is* the hardest substance known to man.  Seriously.  Make up a bowl of Weetabix and milk, eat most of it and then leave it in the dishwasher.  Fifteen cycles later the Weetabix is still stuck on the bowl! It's fucking amazing!  I plan to use this incredible substance to build my empire.  Also the stuff those 'little black boxes' that they recover from flying-contraption crash sites are made of.  They too are indestructible.  Stupid mortals haven't even *considered* using these materials for construction.  It's quite sad when I come to think about it.  I'll just have to lead them with my superior mind when I command their race.  Fucking Hell Ryou, what did you slip me?!

Anyway, cereal isn't the real reason I'm getting excited now; it's the cool little plastic prizes that are great for putting in slingshots or dropping off of *really* tall buildings onto people in the boxes that are making me grin.  I find these little, fiddly plastic thingies rather enjoyable.  Microwaving the little plastic soldiers was very entertaining, another part of my plans for the conquering of these mortals.  I wonder if real soldiers would be more like flies though?  Those actually *explode***** after two minutes on 'High'.   But for now, I think I'll just do me a spot of fishing...

Right, box one.  Ripping off the cardboard lid and opening the plastic bag inside, I proceed to tip the box upside down and the contents onto the stupid mortal hovering around the vicinity of my knees.  Rice Crispies scatter everywhere and I stamp on a few for good measure.  I *am* evil after all.  

Great!  I got a Smurf!  A little figurine with a hat and everything!  Right, this toy is too cool to be microwaved.  This warrants the use of a black permanent marker, some blue-tack and the mind of a very bored yet very sick and very hyper Egyptian Spirit... Oh the fun...  I'm practically shivering now.

Hey! Little shit mortal hovering around my knees has picked up my extremely cool Smurf figurine and scarpered!  There can be no debate over this.  The boy must die.

I give chase, lunging at the kid and ducking either under or around a few mortals as I go after it.  Hmm.   He has great speed and is small so he has a decided advantage over me.  I need ammo.  Ah.  Ridiculously large and extremely heavy jars of pickles.  Perfect.

I grab one as I run past, nearly dislocating my shoulder actually, and lob it at the kid.  Ah brilliant.  Jar goes crash, kid goes down, spurt-spurt of the red stuff, and I get my Smurf toy back.  Mission was a success with colourful side effects.  Very nice.

Stuffing my toy into my pocket I make my way away from the hysterical mother and squishy pulp of a son in search of more merriment.  Hmm, doughnuts.  Can't do much with those.  *Cream-filled* doughnuts on the other hand are a tad more interesting.  Right, will just squeeze the goop out of all of these on this here shelf…  There we are.  Ick; starting to smell funny now with all the dairy products leaking out.  I think I'll just leave this aisle now.

Walking down the drink's aisle now.  I haven't done enough yet to meet my prior targets so I need to cause some destruction here, and since Yami's buggered off I might as well have some fun doing it if I can't get him mad at me.  Opening a couple of bottles of cheap wine, the screw-top kind that tastes shite, I soon have myself a nice little liquid runway.  It's not long enough actually…  A few bottles of vodka should help this along.

I had a bit of a crowd a few minutes ago but they've taken me for insane and dangerous and have kinda backed off.  I wish they hadn't; I quite fancy stealing a few souls today.  Randy the security guard would have been a right laugh to hollow out into an empty shell.  Not that his skull isn't already one.  

Runway all set up now.  I walk to the end of the aisle.  I turn, I lunge, I slide!  Success!   Right, I have now wound up in the egg aisle.   Eggs are arranged according to worth and are labelled accordingly.  I don't really understand how eggs can be priced differently.  They're all from the same stupid animal so what is it that makes some special?  Are some from magic chickens or is there a chance that you could get a mystery prize inside the egg?  

I'm not really all that interested in theory work so I just tear open a box and have a look at the contents.  Hmm. Pale brown and solid.  Open a different box at double the price.  They're the bloody same!  I wonder if I can still juggle… I wonder if I can juggle at *all* having never actually tried before.  No better practice than with a few Grade-A eggs I say.

Chucking a few eggs in the air, I contemplate trying to catch them but decide that watching them smash would be more interesting.  I'll juggle the next batch.  Twenty-seven boxes later I have decided that I can't juggle but the floor looks more interesting now so my efforts haven't all been in vain.  Actually, it's really starting to stink.

/Bakura?  Where the Hell are you?  If you're not at the door in two minutes you're walking back home.  And what is that smell around you?/

Spoilsport.  I haven't even gotten to the frozen section.  Heh.  I predict that frozen peas are as lethal as ball bearings when fired from projectile weapons such as catapults constructed from various materials.  Actually, the catapults I make are just as bloody dangerous as the ammo.  The rubber bit always snaps loose and hits me.  Usually in the face or other parts of my body that I'd like to remain intact.  

Anyway, Yami's going to bugger off and leave me alone here if I don't hurry to the door.  Hang on a minute. If I go with him, all I get to do is help put all that crap away and then start wishing that I was still playing here where I can run up walls and kick in fluorescent lights.  If I stay here, I don't have to put anything away and can wreak havoc until I get tired, bored or Yami comes back for me and drags me back home.  Decisions decisions…

/You're fine Yami.  Head off without me.  Just, uh, remembered a few things to get here.  Yes, that's it.  Just shopping.  He'll never know that I'm going to carry out my plans to conquer WallMart and then steadily move up until I am Lord and Undertaker of the whole world!!!  Mwah-ha-ha-haa!  Shit, still got the bond open, haven't I?/

/Yes you have, love./

/Can I stay anyway?  Please?  No, I take that back.  You don't own me and I shall do as I please.  I'm going to make war-paint with mustard and you can't stop me./

/Fine.  Just don't slip on anything and fall on your head again.  I'll come and bail you out when I hear sirens./

Yay flashing lights!  Target practice!  I need to get a move on with building that catapult.  Now, where's the weapons' section?

****End****

Yeah, short and it's been done but now I've done it too.  Weird, random, pointless but still hopefully it was worth a giggle.  Thoughts?  Favourite part/line?


End file.
